The over seven billion people alive on Earth today are ignorant of what they could have known. Following the ancients in ignorance, the masses today have continued in degenerate decadence and sexual debauchery, now worse than anything civilization has seen. And many prophecies of the Bible reveal that conditions will grow worseâprobably even still much worseâbefore they get better. We read of a number.
I repeat: The nations of Earth could have knownâbut chose not to, preferring that God âkeep His nose out of their businessâ!
But the opinions of men do not change eternal laws, or the thinking of God, because He might want to âkeep up with the times,â or be politically correct. The living God still condemns adultery, fornication and all other forms of sexual immorality and perversion as plain sin! All of these violate His various laws governing sex and, in a host of ways, seen and unseen, rob people of happiness and future joy in marriage.
And all so very unnecessary!
So many people simply fail to realize that the laws God has set in motion are every bit as real as the physical laws that govern the universe, such as the law of gravity. How God intended sex to be used in marriage makes its own statement as to why violating or perverting His Law invites physical and emotional damage to those involved. In this chapter, it will become apparent as to why ânecking,â âpettingââcalled âmaking outâ since the 60sâand any other kind of sexual activity outside of the holy bond of marriage is damaging.
The Marital Love Relationship
God not only intended sex for marriage and reproductionâphysical functionsâbut He also had a great spiritual parallel in mind when devising it. Comprehend this vital point. There is another colossal reason that God created sex as He did. It was given to express marital love and special companionship, which serve to strengthen and preserve the marriage bond.
Again, because of simple ignorance regarding just the fundamentals, one of the leading causes of marital break-up (alongside communication problems and financial woes) is sex-related problemsâthings that happen in the bedroom.
Letâs begin to explain more of the basics.
Within the human body, endocrine glands produce hormones unique for each gender, and these produce unique mental and physical characteristics in men and women. Hormones guide the mental-emotional-sexual phenomenon known as sex appeal.
A human drive common to every normal person, sex appeal results from a mix of stimuli, ranging from an individualâs appearance to personality, education, common interests, talents, and certain other âintangibles.â Assuming that the peripheral issues of compatibility are neutral or favorable between a couple, it is sex appeal that primarily causes a man to be romantically attracted to a particular woman. Likewise, this drive also motivates a woman to show romantic interest in a particular man.
Though sex appeal arises perhaps primarily from oneâs facial expressions, which could reflect attraction, affection, maturity or grace, it actually originates as a glandular action. Certainly, one could objectively appreciate another person on these characteristics alone, but sex appeal does not take place without the sex hormones affecting and exciting the emotions. (It is worth noting that, when considering marriage to a particular person, there should be at least some, if not considerable, sex appeal involved.)
We must pause and examine the critical role that hormones play in sexual arousal and response.
In men and women, it is the sex hormones that cause the man to have masculine characteristics and the woman to have feminine characteristics. When fully understood, these same hormones help serve to motivate oneâs interest in a partner for life. They directly assist in causingâand even driveâa man to passionately desire a particular woman to be his wife, bear his children and be his companion through life. The man desires to embrace her and express his fondness, love and desire to share a lifetime of devotion with her.
Likewise, the sexual hormones result in the woman perceiving that same man as the one to whom she desires to give her affection and devotion. They will cause her to naturally desire to be embraced by him, including in sexual intercourse, and to be the mother of his children and his companion for life. In mature individuals, these emotions are wholesome, pure and natural as God intended. In no way are such feelings shameful or sinful.
In a balanced and stable marriage, sex is rightfully a stimulus for romantic embracing, kissing and lovemaking. It properly leads to the ultimate expression of intimate passion, designed by God to be part of the marriage bond.
We have previously discussed that God created human beings with the five physical sensesâsight, hearing, touch, smell and taste. He has given both sexes of human beingsâthe pinnacle of His creationâthe capacity to enjoy the taste of pure, natural food; to smell and appreciate spices or perfumes; to listen to the sounds of beautiful, uplifting music; and to enjoy the beautiful sight of a mountain sunset. God has also blessed husbands and wives to enjoy the supreme expression of feelings through sexual relations, providing each mate with the culmination of ecstasy as they engage in sexual intercourse in the fashion and with the knowledge that God purposed. He designed marital relations to be the supreme physical experience.
However, God did intend that this most intimate experience be enjoyed in moderation. When taken to excess, and this can depend to some degree upon the couple and their age, it tends to cheapen sex. But, as in all things, when done with temperance, this self-control can actually heighten oneâs appreciation for this special experienceâexclusively reserved for, and actually programmed into, husband and wife.
Professional marriage counselors often recommend for younger couples to come together in sexual relations about two to three times per week, once again, with frequency varying somewhat from couple to couple. (Newlyweds will certainly be more frequent for a while.) For proper fulfillment, reasonable temperance in spacing the frequency of relations maximizes intensity and appreciation, and increases enjoyment. It is important that couples not ever allow this special coming together to feel routine or hackneyedâeither because of neglect, misuse or overuse.
Arousal Timing of Male and Female
The tender caresses and kisses that occur between a husband and wife are the special expressions of love that should be often repeated, but always in privateâwhich many couples today, who so publicly flaunt themselves, do not understand. When these expressions of love lead to sexual relations, timing and understanding of arousal becomes of utmost importance. When ignored, this has led to tragic disappointments, frustrations and worse, if left unremedied. All such âletdownsâ can be prevented by understanding the nature of arousal between males and females.
Arousal time involves the timing in which both the male and the female organs have become prepared for marital intercourse. In order for this to occur, we saw that the male penis must become enlarged and firm. We also saw that this process takes place relatively quicklyâalmost instantaneously, particularly for young men, but generally almost as quickly for older men. Yet, for the female, arousal requires more time. This is a fact of which many husbands have tended to be ignorant or have neglected to employ.
This has been the greatest single causeâby far!âof marital frustration and lack of satisfaction and ability to enjoy an orgasm on the womanâs part.
Men must recognize that the membrane that forms the vaginal walls exists in folds, and is usually dry in its normal inactive or restful condition. In order to receive the male member, arousal must cause the membrane to significantly moisten from special glands that provide a natural lubricant. Interestingly, as we saw, female mammals can only achieve this condition during certain âseasons,â and these are totally unplanned by the animals. However, with women, such arousal is induced and not automaticâand this has to be understood by every husband!
Husbands simply must comprehend the process of female arousal and recognize the need for allowing sufficient time in this process. Again, the male is stimulated by hormones that are most wisely to be kept in check, while he focuses on intensified petting for the purpose of benefiting the wifeâs timingârather than allowing himself to exclude her feelings for the sake of his instant gratification as so many husbands do. True love should induce one to give pleasure to another, rather than to get for himself as soon as possible.
Great Difference in Sexes
The difference in the effect of stimuli between male and female are quite interesting, and must be understood. The male can be stimulated by a touch, a picture, a dream or even by a mere glancing thought. Of course, physical contact is obviously also a most potent stimulus for him.
Women simply do not respond in the same way as do men. For them, direct physical contactâthat is, embracing and kissingâis by far the most important stimulus. They require more tender talking and touching than men. In fact, even the period leading up to the actual sexual intercourse, including the entire day that precedes it, can be important for the womanâs body to even be able to respond.
Most girls are oblivious to the fact that necking on dates causes the male to be instantly aroused and desiring intercourse. Girls should understand that this conduct is a temptation to young boys. Over three billion women on planet Earth possess this power. Of course, many girls know about it, or come to discover it, only to employ it as would any common prostitute plying her marriage- and character-destroying trade on the streets of every city of the world.
For a young girl or woman to abuse her sex appeal by misusing these God-given charms, would not only be denying herself the reaping of wonderful future blessings reserved for the marriage relationship, but she would also be directly stealing from the boyâs future wife.
The wifeâs timing for readiness can require about fifteen minutes to as much as half an hour. This might be considered to be average, since individual responses can vary. Some few women can have a much more rapid readiness for intercourse than others. While men are generally about the same, it is incumbent on every husband to determine the natural tendency and âspeedâ of his wife in coming to full arousal. (In some rare cases, the wife could possibly be aroused more readily than her husband, but this would be an exception.)
Only By Design
Evolution is simply not able to explain why the speed of arousal for men is different than women. There would be no purpose for which blind, dumb evolution would decree this so.
Of course, evolution played no part in any of this. It was God who designed this timing delay for a purposeâand almost none know it. Although the man is aroused quickly, well before his wife, he is generally to lead the way and take the initiative. His early arousal helps him to fulfill his proper role as the more often initiator (though this certainly need not always be the case) of sexual relations.
However, there is another greater reason for the different rates of arousal between husband and wife. It is related to the fact that sex potential in human beings leads to marriage and then to an ever deeper love and respect for the other mate. The difference in timing of arousal enhances and prolongs sexual intimacy and passionate communication, kissing and caressing that would hardly exist, or not exist at all, if the woman were aroused as quickly as the man. If this were the case, there would be no sexual intimacy, and intercourse would be no more romantic than what occurs with animals. God wanted couples to slow down and spend time in loving embraceâthus, He designed a system that requires this.
It is tragic that many marriages are influenced by the sex-is-shameful mentality, and have therefore failed to experience the God-intended intimacy and fulfillment that comes from a wholesome sexual relationship. The repression of the true purpose and meaning of sex has robbed many generations of the enjoyment that false religionists have condemned. This Satan-inspired repression has also served to reduce women to sub-human status. In many cultures, the womanâs enjoyment of the sex act is deemed completely unimportantâit is the man whose satisfaction is all that matters.
This is why some African and Middle Eastern cultures (Iraq, for instance) actually circumcise little girlsâdone by crudely cutting away the clitoris, with this reported to cause up to one in five in Africa to die from blood loss. This is done to ensure that when she reaches adulthood, she will remain faithful to her husband. Thisâbrutal butchery!âis the way certain of manâs cultures address the potential of adultery. Ironically, it is some of these very societies that experience the highest percentages of unfaithfulness among men.
Again, the husbandâs instant arousal and initiative in pursuing intercourse with his wife, who is only later aroused, was designed and intended to intensify and prolong the intimacy and love to be expressed and to accompany this pinnacle of fulfillment.
God designed sex in human beings to express and experience love in the bond of marriage.
The actions of the husbandâwho has also become aroused by caressing his wifeâinvolve expressions of how precious and lovely she is to him, and involve kissing and embracing, all of which are the different kind of stimuli that produce arousal in her. Again, during these times of intense affection and emotion, a degree of love and appreciation becomes apparent that would not otherwise be expressed, if God had not designed it so.
In a world cut off from God, having disobeyed His revealed health laws for centuries, the general state of mankindâs health has greatly degenerated. With 6,000 years of history have come various types of health problems that affect the sex organs and function. While it is not the purpose to cover and address every conceivable kind of sexual dysfunction, certain basic recognition, and what to do about it, is necessary.
As with other health problems, sexual dysfunctions and resulting difficulty are a reality, and will be for some who read this book. Those with general health problems that are affecting sexual activity are encouraged to read and study about their particular problem. Taking an active interest in improving oneâs overall state of health can bring about a general improvement to many, if not most who are having difficulty.
Upon turning 30, I unexpectedly and suddenly developed a serious joint disease. Had it continued, quality of life as I knew it would have ended. Yet, this turned out to be a blessing because I was forced to spend hours studying what I could do to rid myself of the problem. What I learned led me to much better health than I had enjoyed prior to the arrival of this disease.
The same might be said for many other diseases and health problems, and this includes certain physical dysfunctions. If you suffer from a problem that affects your sex life, and for men this can mean difficulty holding an erection, do some research to determine what you can do. Consulting a physician may be advisable. There are many avenues and options to explore.
Of course, the reader must be extremely careful. There are endless books on the subject of sex. Distinguish between opinions and facts. Literature that presents more than just the facts can be confusing and offer âremediesâ that will not help. Stick with the facts. Find out what the causes are and address them.
Certain health problems may be deeply rooted, but experience has shown that almost any health problem can be improved with proper effort and guidanceâif one diligently addresses the cause. Some problems may be difficult to overcome, but with persistence, it can often be done.
Also, many men have not recognized that this period of foreplay intensifies the manâs orgasm as well. His arousal will increase with continued intimacy before intercourse.
Absent in Satanâs World
This level of passion and mutual love, just by the general nature of what is happening in such circumstances, is completely absent from pre-marital promiscuity, any kind of cheapened relationship with a prostitute or any other kind of sex outside marital partnership. Such illicit relations focus entirely upon self-gratification, without the giving of intimate love, honor and mutual respect, which are all non-existent within such degrading relationships.
Truly, Godâs Way far exceeds the empty, hollow counterfeits of Satanâs mixed-up world. It is your duty to flee from the worldly influence of degradation that will inevitably rob you of the wonderful God-intended relationships of marriage and family. The unmarried should consider how crucial and precious are the many blessings that are in store for those who preserve themselves for marriage. Any premarital sex cripples and impedes the level of happiness that can only be enjoyed from these marital blessings.
Some husbands have the false notion that marriage has given them the right to satisfy their own desire for hasty, selfish gratification without considering the feelings of the wife. In such cases, no delay of waiting for lovemaking is allowed for her enjoyment and participation. Some have the idea that marriage obligates the wife to submit to being raped on demand! But remember that marriage as God designed it gives no such rights for abuse. God designed the sexual union to be passionately enjoyed by both parties!
It is absolutely critical for the man not to ignore this much-needed time of lovemaking before proceeding with intercourse. I repeat: To dismiss this needâand it is actually a responsibility that every husband has toward his wifeâcould cause damage to the dry, unprepared membrane of the vaginal walls, and this will lead to pain and resentment, potentially very deep, on the part of the wife.
A husband who forces himself prematurely upon his wife is uncaring, abusive and self-centered. Husbands, avoid this selfishness at absolutely all costsâand you will be grateful that you did. So will your wife!
GODâS Seventh Commandment
The Seventh Commandment, referenced earlier, is âYou shall not commit adultery.â Most people limit this command exclusively to sexual intercourse outside marriage. Adultery involves far more than going all the way to intercourse, and we need to take sufficient time to be sure this is understood.
Sexual intercourse or lovemaking consists of four distinct phases, in which one phase leads to the next. The first phase consists of caressing, kissing and embracing, also known in the vernacular of recent times as âneckingâ and âpetting.â (The other three phases will be explained near the end of the chapter, after first covering important points related to the first phase.)
Though from Godâs perspective it is still as wrong today as it ever was, necking and petting used to be the limit to which young people would venture in what were, relatively speaking, more innocent times. Later, the term âthey went the limitâ (or âall the wayâ) meant that the limit had come to be beyond mere necking and petting. Therefore, today, in the twenty-first century, premarital sex is virtually the rule instead of the exception! When engaged in outside of marriage, the seemingly innocent act of necking and petting, of itself, directly violates Godâs Seventh Commandment.
When understood, necking and petting are a vital part of the actual lovemaking, which is only to occur between married couplesâhusbands and wivesâadults (from which even the very term adultery derives)!
Of course, most today would gasp at such a âprudish and outdatedâ statement. They see no harm in a little innocent âfun.â
Yet, God deems this action a sin because it does cause very serious harm to those involved. Understand this point well. Again, it is not that God somehow enjoys denying pleasures to humanity. Rather, He knows the long-term damage that results from breaking spiritual laws that He has put in force for our good. The effects are long-term and the curses are most real!
Certain conduct before marriage can, indeed, scar the marriage relationship later on. This will be covered more fully in the next chapter. But those who become involved in necking and petting outside marriage (and it is well-understood that most young people today do not even begin to think about stopping at this phaseâand, of course, many now leap right past it) open themselves up for curses here and now, as well as robbing themselves of true marital bliss, which God makes possible for those who do not scar their potential of reaping His marvelous blessings.
The perceptions of sex appeal and arousal were designed to strengthen the marriage bondâperiod. These interactive influences increase the mutual love between husband and wife, creating an intimacy that is reserved for that marriage bond.
Must Resist Societyâs Pulls
Those who seek to obey God cannot allow societyâs perceptions, valuesâand extreme temptationsâto pull them down. Adultery and fornication are still sin, as is intimacy short of coitus, regardless of what television, movies and music declare, and, despite the growing popularity and acceptance of homosexuality, Godâs Word has always clearly shown that this act is also abominable and sinful.
Anything that perverts or undermines Godâs intended creative purpose for marriage, and for stable and loving families capable of producing balanced children, is a distortion of His perfect plan for all mankind, to include every human being.
When a husband ventures to have an affair outside of marriage, his perception of his mate radically changes, and usually fast. His wife is no longer attractive to him in the same way. The sexual attraction toward herâthe wonderful chemistry once between themâquickly fades until it no longer exists. All these changes take place in the mind of the mate who cheats. The fact that a cheating husband no longer desires his faithful wife is the direct result of a law in action. Upon breaking his marriage covenant, the offending husband (or wife) is assaulting the marvelous God-plane relationship given them. He can no longer appreciate what God has given them, and his heart is tragically turned away from his lifelong companion. Even if he comes to regret itâof course, many doâand wishes to have the former relationship back, with few exceptions, husbands find that they cannot âturn back the clock.â
Of course, wives are no different. Make no mistake. The number of wives now committing adulteryâapproximately 50 percentâis also at epidemic levels. Everything that has been explained here, regarding what husbands have more traditionally been guilty of, now applies almost equally to women.
The sin of adultery is an absolutely heinous crime against another human being and, worse, it often carries dire consequences for other innocent people who are connected to the relationshipâmost often children, but also aging parents and even grandparents or grandchildren suffer as well.
Even fornicationâsex before marriageâtakes away from the future relationship of a couple who go on to get married. Yet, today, practically every engaged couple fornicates as almost a matter of routine. This is because they all know that it is the normâthat it is expected, because everybody else is doing it, and nobody is really telling them it is wrong or giving them a reason not to. The unknown dimension in sex explained in this book is not being taught anywhere else.
Although it is possible for one to still be happy in marriage when there has been fornication together, the sanctity of marriage is nonetheless scarred in such a way that something is lost in the relationship. The union is robbed of the potential level of fuller happiness that would have otherwise been possible.
Here are some important additional points that represent a common fallacy and certain detrimental approaches to marital happiness and fulfillment:
It is an utter fallacy to believe, as many do, that necking and petting are exclusively reserved for dating and pre-marital courting, that they are acceptable at this point. Such people have wrongly believed that these are innocent activities that will largely be no longer necessary in marriage, and are mainly reserved for teenagers or young adults who are dating. Both ideas are wrong.
Another approach that can dramatically dampen sexual relations, particularly in the woman, is the fear of unwanted pregnancy. This fear can easily be dispelled by a proper understanding of how to plan parenthood, through use of contraceptives, and this will be carefully discussed in a later inset.
Manners, Grooming and Hygiene
Many today become careless and allow themselves to neglect etiquette, common courtesy, proper manners and good grooming after marriage (many now ignore these things all the timeâin or out of marriage). Failure to give these things the proper importance that they deserve in your marriage will cheapen the marriage by bringing in a wrong spirit, one that is contrary to the way of love. Forgetting these things demonstrates a lack of respect and appreciation for your mate, and helps promote the tendency to take him or her for granted.
Always strive to be respectful and conscientious about oneâs appearance and conduct in the presence of the other mate. Never forget the enormous importance of always being clean and well-kept, not unkempt, as your very beginning approach to lovemaking. It is crucial to remember that almost nothing is a greater âturn-offâ than body odor, bad breath, unclipped nails, unshaven face or female menstrual odor. Both husband and wife should also remember the importance of combing the hair, even before sex in the morning!
Related to this is the option of wearing special perfumes by women and possibly colognes by men. These can serve to enhance the overall pleasantness, and feelings of enjoyment, of the occasion. Possibly several kinds could be alternated for couples who enjoy them.
Manners and good grooming go a long way in the bedroomâand this applies to men and women! (We will momentarily return to another aspect of grooming.)
Never Defraud Sexually
A related point arises, and it leads to the next section. Earlier in the book, we saw that Paul explained how husbands and wives have come under the âpowerâ of their mates once marriage has occurred (I Cor. 7:4). Remember, your bodies no longer belong to you, but rather to each other. To defraud your mate sexually is wrong.
Perhaps one of the very worst sins that either mate in a marriage can commit is to withhold sex. This can be due to selfishness, a desire to punish the mate for some real or perceived wrong, or for any number of other reasons. Other than the reasons of poor health or sickness, unusual, extreme exhaustion, or the only very rare âI am not in the moodâ response mentioned earlier, this must not be done. Any who follow the pattern of sexually defrauding in a marriage, and this is only more typical of women than men, could actually be at least partly responsible before God for any adultery that results, and certainly responsible for the divorce that can ensue if the defrauding continues.
Take Care of Yourself Physically
The last section leads to its own related point. It is incumbent on husbands and wives to take care of their own bodies, and in so doing, in light of I Corinthians 7:4, they have actually taken care of what has, after marriage, become their mateâs body.
Sadly, and this has turned into a recurring tragedy of millions of times when used as an excuse to commit adultery, the dating and courtship period was the only time couples concerned themselves with not being overweight and staying âin shape.â With obesity and muscular flabbiness veritable social plagues today, and with bad nutrition and the high-speed, stress-filled society making it more difficult to exercise, this will take extra work for the couple who understands that they must continue to care about these things. In taking care of oneâs body, you are actually caring about your mateâs body!
Take care of yourself physically! Carefully watch your weight and overall appearance. Both mates have a duty to take care of the body that God gave them. Watching and maintaining oneâs health can even improve sexual performance. Of course, babies change a womanâs shape, and this is true of some women more than others. Husbands must be understanding of this, but wives must not permit this to be an excuse to simply âlet themselves go.â
Obviously, wrinkles and aging are also normal phases of life. Husbands, in particular, must be careful not to belittle or denigrate their wives for what is natural to every human being. Few things will more hurtâand turn off!âa woman than belittling her about what she cannot control.
Finally, there can be times when either husband or wife may need to point out in an encouraging way that there needs to be some improvement in one or more aspects of things mentioned in the last several sections. Christianity is about changing and sometimes this can be in areas pertaining to sex and the bedroom.
It should go without saying that one should never pick the lovemaking setting as the time to do this. If you do, you will quickly learn that some other activity must be available on short notice, because this part of the evening will have been ruined!
Many couples neglect to give the general atmosphere of where sex occurs the necessary attention that it deservesâand we are usually speaking of the bedroom. While intercourse can certainly take place outside the bedroom, and often does, particularly with young couples, this location more than any other should be given extra thought and preparation for the special lovemaking and bonding that occurs there.
As with hygiene, and with nice fragrances of perfumes and colognes, the right lighting is important for the room. Too much or too little are usually not as good as something in between. The decor and cleanliness of the bedroom, including bedspread, pictures and other items which enhance the surroundingsâsome couples enjoy adding candles, background music or other kinds of ambianceâalso play a role in setting the proper atmosphere for lovemaking. Be sure that this area of preparation is not overlooked or minimized as if it has no role in the evening.
The time of lovemaking is the most special time between husband and wife. It involves perhaps more planning than many might realize. Eliminating distractions is vital and will directly affect, particularly in the case of the woman, whether she can enjoy the occasion.
First, this is the most intimate activity to occur in marriage. It must be completely private in every way. Remember that what occurs in the bedroom is nobodyâs business but that of husband and wife. Also, it is important that children not turn into a distraction, more a problem for women (especially those with babies and small children) than men. Other noises, such as the phone interrupting (or pets), can be an obvious problem. Voicemail might be the best option. Then, consider setting aside at least certain regular occasions so that marital relations do not go wanting longer than they should, with neither mate having noticed.
Remember that the focus should be on bonding in the way that only this activity permits. Distractions work against this purpose.
There is another vital part of sharing love between husband and wife that is often overlooked, neglected or ignoredâbut is also sometimes misunderstood. This is the communicationâlove talkâbefore and during intercourseâoften referred to as âpillow talk.â Similar to the importance of atmosphere, this special intimate conversation either does not occur as it should or is eventually neglected because few understand its supreme importance. Most simply do not grasp the direct connection between conversation and the sex act.
It is paramount that both husband and wife understand what that connection is!
The perverted images of Hollywood and elsewhere have long fostered the wrong image that being in the heat of passion and participating in the sex act are times to be the âstrong, silent typeââboth men and womenâwith actions to speak louder than words. Nothing could be further from the truth. What is thought to be no more than the whispering of âsweet nothingsâ is, in fact, the expressing of things that are much more than sweet nothings.
Letâs understand why.
Perhaps the single greatest difference regarding sex between animals and sexual relations between human beings is that human beings are able to talk to each other. This means that they can express special affection, love, fondness, gratitude and respect for each other in a way that no animals can.
The all-wise God specifically designed lovemaking to be this way. Remember, this love is a type of the same love that Jesus Christ feels toward His Church, as well as a type of the love that God and Christ hold for all of mankind (John 3:16). The Bible is filled with places in which Christ expresses His love for His disciples and for His ChurchâHis affianced bride.
Now think of it this way: First, recall that above all that God is, He declares that He âis loveâ (I John 4:8, 16). This means that everything that He does is based on and motivated by love.
Next, realize that all of Christâs New Testament instruction is His love being expressed to His Church. Every time a member of His Church prays to God, it is an expression of his or her love back to Him. This picture represents a two-way conversation between God (in this case, Christ) as Husband and His wife (-to-be), spiritual Israel of the New Testament. Then, think of the entire Bible as the inspired compilation of all of the many vital instructions, principles and laws that a loving God, out of tremendous love for all humanity, expresses to His Church/Wife. Godâs Word foretells a future time when all mankind will pray to the same God, and every human being on Earth will offer expressions of deep love, respect and gratitude to Him.
God and His Children Talk
The God of love and His children talk to each other because there is love between them.
Verbal expressions at the most intimate moments of love have great meaning to both matesâand these are now seen to also carry spiritual overtones and meaning. Both parties should be prepared to offer them in the right way and at the right time. To see their value, merely reflect on the last time something special was said to you at one of these shared moments. Of course, they should be genuine, not shallow, insincere flattery.
The Song of Solomon
Most do not realize that God provided an inspired account of how husbands and wives should speak to and conduct themselves within the marriage bedroom. This unique book is actually Godâs gift to every married couple who wants to understand true love in marriage.
Recorded by wise King Solomon, Davidâs son, the Song of Solomon is a marvelousâand when properly understood, truly extraordinaryânarrative, picturing husbands and wives sharing love and talking about it as they do.
The book contains eight chapters of wonderful, open-hearted, tender, even touching, give-and-take conversation between two people so obviously very deeply in love. This inset will introduce it, but the reader should take the time to read and study the entire book. It can even become an eye-opening Bible study for young married couples to study together, in whole or in partâseparately, if done before.
Here are a few introductory high points of the book to help the reader get the sense of language that almost no one hears anymore, and which most would think to be strange if used today.
The book opens with Solomonâs bride declaring, âLet him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for your love is better than wineâ (1:2). Notice the statement is dual (see italics) in the sense that she speaks both of her husband and to him in the same thought. Verse 4 begins with âDraw me,â and this is an obvious reference to her wanting to be enticed and aroused by Solomon. (Note that verses 5 and 6 are not endorsing interracial marriage, as some think, but rather reference the appearance of a good suntan, causing the wife to look âruddyâ or âdarkââwhich is what the Hebrew meansânot âblack.â)
Verse 8 introduces four verses of Solomon discussing how his wife is beautiful to him. He compares her to beautiful jewelry, and to gold and silver.
Verse 12 begins the wifeâs reciprocation, in which she describes her husband as âfair [handsome]â and âpleasantâ (vs. 16), while suggesting that he will âlie all night between [her] breastsâ (vs. 13). She continues into chapter two, verse one, by describing herself as a ârose of Sharonâ and a âlily of the valleys.â
Verse 7 of chapter two is a general admonition to all women about being careful not to rush a husband to climax âtill he please.â (The word âmyâ in italics was added by translators and does not belong.)
The husband is speaking from verses 10 to 15. Note how he describes his wifeâs curves and âmountainsâ (her slopes), while also referencing the beauty and scent of flowers, the budding trees and the singing birds of spring.
Chapter three is the woman speaking throughout and chapter four is the man speaking throughout (except for the last part of verse 16), with him describing in extraordinary and poetic detail the different aspects of his wifeâs body. These include her hair, teeth, lips, temples, breasts, and even her tongue, and how that, from his perspective, there is âno spot in youâ (vs. 7), and that she âhas ravished my heartâ (vs. 9). He also references how she kept herself a virgin prior to marriageââa spring shut up, a fountain sealedâ (vs. 12). He also mentions various spices and fragrances that must have filled the room that had gardens just outside.
Chapter five opens for one verse with the husband saying that he would âcome into my garden...my spouse,â and the rest of the chapter is Solomonâs wife describing, equally poetically, his bodyâhis head, hair (âhis locks are bushy [Heb: curled] and black as a ravenâ), eyes, cheeks, lips, hands, belly, legs, countenance and mouth.
In verse 16, she describes Solomon as both her âbeloved,â and âthis is my friend.â This carries a powerful message to every married couple!
Chapter six opens with the woman for three verses, with the husband continuing for ten verses to the end, and continuing on to chapter seven, verse 9. These nine verses are an even more descriptive and poetic reference to the different parts of the female anatomy.
Chapter seven closes with four verses of the wife explaining how she belongs to her husbandââI am my belovedâs, and his desire is toward meâ (vs. 10), with verse 12 describing how she will âgive [him] my loves.â
Chapter eight concludes the book with the woman continuing to discuss lovemakingâverse 3 clearly describes the love embrace: âHis left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.â
Verses 6 and 7 are an obvious description of the heat of passion.
Verses 8 to 10 talk about two kinds of little sistersâone who can be âa wallâ (remain a virgin), or one who has the potential to become âa doorâ (sexually loose), and who has to be, using figurative language, âenclosed...with boards of cedar.â
Solomon closes the book with four verses, verse 14 being sexual intercourse coming to culmination.
While both husbands and wives appreciate hearing the expression of such things, they are particularly important for the wife to hear, in that women are actually brought to arousal and readiness for sexual intercourse more quickly with such intimate conversation. The loving husband never forgets thisâand never forgets that it can help insure the bringing about of the final orgasmic pleasure of his wife. He also recognizes that wives are actually more interested in, and responsive to, sex relations when the husband has used kind tones and warm communications throughout the day. And this should not merely be done by the husband so that he can âget sexâ that night, or his insincerity will be noticed and the whole act will be cheapened. (This chapterâs inset from the Song of Solomon should be very helpful in understanding what has been explained.)
Recall that there are four phases of sexual intercourse. We can now return to the other three, recognizing that the importance of right conversation leads directly to the second phase.
Second PhaseâStimulation for Both
The second phase should not begin until the wife has been properly aroused and is ready for union of the sex organs. By this time, the membrane of the vagina will have become properly lubricated by the glands near the vaginal entrance, allowing for proper penetration of the male member. The penetration process should be slow and careful. Generally, the husband should hold still and allow the wife to do the pushing, and she may have to guide the penis.
Prior to this, the most important method to employ that will help to hasten the wifeâs arousal is focusing on the sensitivity of the clitoris to heighten her sensations. In this case, the wife is stimulated by the glans of the male penis or by the husbandâs hand in the vestibule region so that direct contact is made with the clitoris (described in the previous chapter on anatomy). This provides additional pleasure for the wife once arousal has occurred. Once reached, the wife should withdraw from the position or the husband should withdraw his hand, with both mates proceeding by guiding the movement to begin penetration into the vagina.
This is not to be one-sided. The wife can also employ techniques that are enticing and erotic to her husband. Even though men are generally the initial aggressor for the evening, women can and should enthusiastically reciprocate.
Before continuing, some more needs to be said about additional forms of foreplayâwhich means, literally, playing before intercourse.
A Time for Creativity
Love, sex and intercourse can be a time for creative thinking, so to speak, as long as all forms of perversion are avoided. It is a time to be playful. Any number of things can be pleasurable to both man and womanâand this becomes another crucially important reason why communication between couples is vital.
Do not be afraid to ask your mate to adjustâadd, subtract, improve or improviseâwhat he or she is doing or to include various kinds of fondling, caressing, petting or massaging in ways desirable to you. Be specificâgently talk to one another, particularly if you are a new or young couple and you are at the beginning stages of learning what is truly the art of lovemaking. Regardless of how Hollywood pictures everyone just âknowing what to do,â this is ridiculous. Like everything else in life, knowing when and how to utilize the many kinds of effective forms of tenderness and delectable, pleasurable enjoyment during lovemaking is not something one is born with but rather is something that each person learns.
For instance, not all peopleâmen or womenâare stimulated or aroused in the exact same way or at the exact same speed. Each of you must recognize that you married only one person, and that all people are different. Never mind other peopleâyou did not marry âother people.â You are married to, and have a special love for, and have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, only one personâthe one beside you in bed. Find out about this person. Come to understand this person. Figure out how to best express physical intimacy with this person. Stay focused on this person and the needs, feelings, nature and particular interests and proclivities of this person!
Determine to learn all that you can together about this art, recognizing that the most wonderful part of this process is that you will probably be learning more about it for the rest of your married life!
Third PhaseâSexual Union
This brings us to the third phase of lovemaking, that of sexual union. While the husband and wife are now joined in sexual union, care needs to be taken so that contact is made with the clitoris. While the penis will be stimulated by virtually any position or movement within the vagina, pressure and contact with the clitoris is essential for the woman to be able to come to climaxâorgasm. In the male superior position, where the man is on top, this is best accomplished by the husband positioning his body higher up in relation to the wifeâs body. If the manâs body is too low in relation to the wifeâs body, there will be no contact with the clitoris. The wife should be able to indicate the extent of the raised position that provides more pleasure. The husband can easily adjust, focusing on what works best for his wife.
During sexual intercourse, the husband should also take care to support much of the weight of his own body, using his elbows and knees, taking care not to cause his wife discomfort. He should always strive to assume a position that is enjoyable for the wifeânot merely one that is conducive for his own gratification. The wife must be free to move her hips. This means again that the man must be careful not to be too heavy, not to permit his full weight to rest, on his wifeâs body. This is of paramount importance.
This phase of sexual union should be passionate and pleasurable for both the husband and the wife. It is in this union that the marriage partners are cleaved together in love and have truly become one in the marriage bondâhave become âone flesh.â
It has been noted earlier that many generations have existed without even the understanding that the wife is to be permitted enjoyment during sexual intercourse, just as much as is the husband. Ignorance of the clitoris, or that it even has a purpose and function, and the best way of bringing about intense pleasure by maximizing contact with it were virtually unknown.
It is worth noting that many have been the husbands in the pastâand wivesâwho had never heard of the clitoris. Many decades as a marriage counselor revealed confusion, ignorance and misunderstanding regarding a host of even such basic points.
For instance, many have not even understood that it is âpermissibleâ for the wife to be on top during sexual relations, that this does not mean she is improperly taking or in this fashion usurping the lead from her husband. Many couples have failed to recognize that the female superior position is, in fact, often not only very âsuperiorâ to the enjoyment of some womenâbut also to their husbands.
This is but one example of the benefits derived when a couple is willing to communicate before and during the sex act. There are many others.
The fourth phase of intercourse and lovemaking is orgasm. While many have come to believe that achieving orgasm is the only thing in sex, it is not. By now, the reader understands this. However, the sexual union is ultimately consummated by orgasmâor climaxingâin which feelings and sensations are heightened to the very pinnacle of physical sensation. While this is not the only goal, it is certainly the overall objective for both partners.
While there can be exceptions due to unusual circumstances, recognize that orgasm is something that both mates should be able to experience virtually every time. The ideal is always for the husband and wife to strive to reach a climax at the same time, although this might not always occur as planned. Think of achieving this as something that takes practice, something that can be learned over time, and that may not be possible every time.
At the time of orgasm, the male ejects semen into the vagina (or into a condom), while the orgasm of the wife does not (usually) involve any kind of measurable discharge of fluid.
God designed for both partners to enjoy the privilege of marriage, and all couples should rid themselves of every kind of needless inhibitionâand simply enjoy the blessings and bliss of Godâs gift. Remember that God created female orgasm for the wife to be able to reach the pinnacle of pleasure in sexual contact, just as He did the husband, and that ideally this would occur simultaneously with him. Female animals have no such responseâGod uniquely designed this in the human female for her pleasure, and thus distinguished between female animals and female humans in yet one more way.
We have seen that Godâs truth about marriage and understanding of sex have been repressed by false religion and blind theologians for many centuries, and they have in its place substituted the sex-is-shameful prudery. Remember, Satan cannot reproduce himself, and is jealous of puny human beings because they have a capacity that he does not. Thus, he has gone to great lengths to distort and pervert this God-intended pinnacle of sex.
But I emphasize yet one more time: With the unseen âgod of this world,â Satan, guiding events from the background, this is certain to grow even worse, probably quickly, and in unimaginable ways. Of course, Christians are told to âwatchâ (Luke 21:36) such world conditions.
Conception Without Orgasm or Intercourse
As a side note, it is important to revisit a point mentioned earlier. Many have thought that conception cannot occur if there is no actual penetration of the penis or if the woman does not experience orgasm.
It must be recognized that conception can take place whether or not either of these things occurs. Impregnation results solely from the presence of semen released into the vagina, and this can also happen if it is deposited anywhere around the vestibule. You now realize that sperm were created to be resilient.
In past generations, young unmarried couples held the unwitting notion that they could approach the sex act short of union and avoid any risk of pregnancy, particularly if the female hymen remained unbroken. Yet, as long as semen is present, even near the vestibule, pregnancy is indeed possible, regardless of the fact that the woman supposedly âmaintained her virginity.â (Of course, this same surprise of unexpected pregnancy for the same reason has also been sprung on married couples. Be careful of what is happening and where it is leading.)
Techniques, Positions and Perversions
Questions invariably arise about which techniques and positions for sex are best or permissible, and whether or not there are any limits on what can be done before perversion enters.
The Bible is explicit on some matters, guides in principle on others, and is silent on still others.
The apostle Paul was inspired to record âMarriage is honorable in all, and the marriage bed undefiledâ (Heb. 13:4). The latter phrase here can also be translated âlet the marriage bed be undefiledâ because the remainder of the passage states, âbut whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.â
Much of what occurs in the marriage bedroomâthe bedâis the sole business of husband and wife. What occurs there is their decision, and should not spread outside the home through gossip and idle chatter. It is personal and private, and should stay that wayâwith the exception of when a couple may need to seek wise counsel to solve problems beyond their experience. This can certainly be the case and couples should always feel that they can go to one of Godâs true servants, or to a physician when necessary, without feeling ashamed, embarrassed or inadequate. (Remember, lovemaking is an art, and no two couples are exactly alike. Experienced counsel can alleviate most difficulties.)
There are an almost endless number of specific techniques that could be discussed here, and books and magazines are literally filled with them. It is not the purpose, nor is it within the scope, of this volume to discuss every conceivable kind of manner or method in which people may approach sexual intercourse or intimacy. (The next several paragraphs will touch a little more on the principle that offers one of the most important guidelines for which techniques should or should not be used by either mate, when Godâs Word is silent.)
Exact positions and methods in which intercourse may occur become the greatest question for many. We have already seen that either the male or female superior position is certainly correct and desirable. Understanding why this is so begins to open the door to understanding certain boundaries.
Think for a moment about exactly how God designed the male and female anatomy. The husband is generally slightly taller than the wife. At least in part, God designed the male and female bodies this way to permit the natural placement of the penis, because it enters the vagina from below (regardless of which mate is on top), to place the couple in a face-to-face position. The penis and vagina were placed where they wereâand this includes in the front of the body!âfor this purpose. Think about what would have happened had it been designed in any other way.
Therefore, the most optimum position for sexâand this applies to sitting, standing or lying downâis with the couple facing each other. This permits them to speak to one another, and to look into each otherâs eyes at the same time. It both allows and enhances such conversation so that it carries more meaningâso that it can be more personal and loving. Never forget that the greatest purpose of sexual intercourse, in addition to that of reproduction, is to express and share love together in a God-plane relationship. This love relationship is crucial in every regard, and thus governs mostâthough not allâquestions about techniques and positions.
Perversion Versus Love
Some additional particulars must be covered. Regardless of how widespread it may have become, sodomy (the penis entering the anus) is absolute perversion, and God condemns it outright in the Scriptures. Of course, the very term derives directly from Sodom and Gomorrah, in which homosexuality was rampant. It takes no imagination to understand what the wicked men (all the women of these cities were also destroyed for similar evil) of these cities were doing. Besides the obvious element of hygiene, and the filthiness involved, the entire act is simply unnatural to the way God designed the body. There are also attendant physical problems and certain undesirable effects for the woman who may be asked to accept, or who may even desire, this kind of activity.
On the other handâand this can sometimes be necessary when, for instance, the husband may be battling impotence, or the wife has long, extended periods of menstruationâmutual manual stimulation is not an unacceptable act, as it does not involve filthy hygiene or put the couple in a position where they cannot be face-to-face. This is simply a matter of personal choice.
Comprehend this overarching principle. Love would neverânever! â force a mate to do anything that is personally distasteful or repugnant, or that, for various reasons, would be physically uncomfortable to the other partner. Although both mates should be willing to overcome shyness and prudery at all costs, this becomes its own guide to decision-making about techniques and various positions. There can and should necessarily be a willingness and freedom to enjoy certain natural experimentation.
Understand further. Where God is truly silent on a matter, leaving no principles in His Word that speak to it, this volume must also remain silent.
Certainly, other issues and questions can arise: Understanding the all-important and overarching role of loveâof outgoing concern for oneâs mateâallows a couple to make almost every decision about what they will or will not, can or cannot, do.
One final point should be mentioned here, because it shows evidence of a loving Godâs creative design.
Preliminary lovemaking prior to sexual intercourse carries a hidden benefit to married couples. There is evidence to indicate that sustained body contact for the usual fifteen to thirty minutes is therapeutic and beneficial. It results in relaxing nervous tension and in providing a sense of mental well-being for both partners after orgasmâwhich itself God designed to be an enormous emotional release, and perhaps even more so for the woman. However, when arousal occurs in one or both mates and the male reaches climax prematurely, the female remains with potentially great nervous tension having built up with no outlet for it. Sleeplessness can be the result. In case this happens, the man should set his alarm clock for later and complete his duty to his wife.
Although interruptions due to the healing process after the birth of a baby, illness, injury, lengthy travel, or other unforeseen reasons can occasionally appear, every kind of problem and inconsistency can be worked out by intelligent cooperation and a willingness to serve and give to the needs of the other mate. This is love!
In time, sexual relations in marriage between the loving husband and the loving wife should develop a more understanding and mature concern and devotion to one another. This has been designed by the all-wise, brilliant Creator to continue throughout the marriage, as husbands and wives grow to truly treasure and cleave to one another, according to Godâs will.
After experiencing the wonderful benefits of these principles, such couples will also want to be sure that their children are given a chance to one day experience the same.