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Jesus said, “I will build My Church…” There is a single organization that teaches the entire truth of the Bible, and is called to live by “every word of God.” Do you know how to find it? Christ said it would:
“How do I get to ‘I do’?” An advertisement with this headline ran in The Real Truth magazine. The text below read: “The path to getting married can be complicated. On average, a person will experience four disastrous dates, be in eight relationships, will have ‘fallen in love’ twice, and will be heartbroken two times before settling down.”
The statistics in this ad, which offered our book Dating and Courtship – God’s Way, came from a study commissioned for the release of a book about a man’s quest to find a perfect match.
Based on the findings, the study’s author stated: “It’s a reminder that the path to finding a life partner can be a long and rocky one—and indeed is for most of us.”
“Long and rocky” is an apt depiction of the world’s way of dating. Yet no person starts off thinking it will end up that way. Instead, it always seems right and feels exciting.
Realize that it is natural to be attracted to members of the opposite sex. God created us with chemical, mental and emotional components for us to enjoy this. Sex was also made to be pleasurable.
Yet God intends this to be between a husband and wife. This means teenagers—as well as single adults—have to be careful to guard themselves from “falling for” someone too early.
Of course, this is not how the world does it! Many or most of your peers have had boyfriends or girlfriends. This is so prevalent that those who do not date as a teen are often seen as strange and maladjusted. Some experts even assert that “young love” is a crucial part of adolescent development.
Yet this is wholly untrue! Research by the University of Georgia has confirmed that teens who steer clear of pairing off with the opposite sex “are happier, less depressed, and more adept at dealing with a variety of social situations,” StudyFinds reported.
“Surprisingly, the study’s authors discovered that non-dating students had either similar, or better, interpersonal skills than their dating classmates.”
The article mentioned that teachers “rated the non-dating students significantly higher than their romance-seeking classmates in terms of social and leadership skills.
“Regarding depression, teachers also rated non-dating students as less depressed. Additionally, far fewer abstinent students reported feeling depressed or hopeless regularly than students who were known to date.”
So does this mean you should not date at all during your teen years? No!
There is a balanced and natural way to date as a teen—one that is God’s Way. It is utterly different from the world’s way and does not lead to depression or poor social and leadership skills. Instead, it results in happiness, personal growth and meaningful friendships.
Taking the right path to dating begins with having the proper perspective. A date, as defined by Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary, is “an appointment for a specified time…a social engagement between two persons of opposite sex.” It is simply spending time one-on-one or, by extension, in a group with others. (Note that one-on-one dating should be reserved for baptized adults only.)
Society’s version of dating involves a steady relationship and focuses on one individual, with a superficial foundation built on physical attraction and emotion. When difficulties arise, the relationship crumbles, leaving the couple in misery from the emotional entanglement.
People are easily caught up in feelings of lust and infatuation. Again, it is natural for attraction to exist between a man and a woman, but our human nature can overly focus on this aspect. A passing interest in someone can quickly turn into outright lust.
Self-control must be exercised, especially in today’s world where sex is all around us. Realize that infatuation is an absolutely wrong foundation on which to form a lasting relationship. Mr. Pack’s book has much to say about this aspect of relationships. In fact, he devotes an entire chapter to it. Here are a few excerpts, but you owe it to yourself to read the whole book.
“Infatuation can involve very powerful attraction. Never underestimate it. While it stirs up the emotions and feelings that make couples think they are in love, infatuation is nothing more than a starry-eyed experience—a romantic daydream. But, at this point in a relationship, it is nearly impossible to convince anyone of this. Reason and logic seem to magically disappear as people feel they are going through a wonderful, even divine, experience that will last forever.”
“How then can you know if you are becoming infatuated?
“The biggest symptom of infatuation is an almost complete reliance on emotions—to the exclusion of almost everything else about a person—allowing these emotions to first lead, and then dictate, your actions.”
Another characteristic of infatuation is that it is selfish. If you feel like you must spend every waking hour with another person, or you will “die” if you cannot see him or her—you are infatuated. Unhealthy, unbalanced emotional dependence is infatuation!
Jealousy is an additional symptom. If you find yourself becoming jealous when that certain someone talks with another person, you need to reexamine your motivations.
The book records this about outright lust: “One of the most powerful forces behind dating today is little more than the basic sex drive. While God did instill the sexual desire in human beings for a pure and holy purpose, the world, held captive by Satan’s influence, has turned this into lust. Sizing people up for sex has now become a common practice. For decades, ‘girl watching’ and ‘boy watching’ have been national pastimes. Millions routinely lust after men and women to whom they are not married.
“Today, God’s most basic commands are routinely broken. Notice: ‘You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart’ (Matt. 5:27-28). Throughout society, people are confronted—even bombarded—with the temptation to lust.
“Almighty God created sex. In the right setting, it is one of the most wonderful physical experiences that a man and a woman can share. Yet, Satan has twisted this God-designed pleasure, reducing it to a sinful act, practiced almost universally between virtual strangers. He has used sex to preoccupy young minds so that, in time, it destroys character and ruins any potential for a happy, wholesome, lifelong relationship between a husband and wife.”
While marriage is still a ways off for you as a teen, you can start building the right foundation and ensure you get to your wedding day without regrets.
God’s way of dating is completely different from the world’s. It helps to define different types of dates and stages along the road to marriage. The descriptions here are just the barest outline. Refer to the book Dating and Courtship – God’s Way for more information.
A group date consists of a number of singles, ideally six to eight or so of both males and females, spending time together in an activity. It is a way to overcome nervousness and to learn to naturally respond to those of the opposite sex. During the teenage years and for those not baptized, this should be the only form of dating and should only be done with specific parental knowledge and permission. Though it is too often the case, one should never pair off in this stage. Be sure to spend time with everyone in the group as evenly as possible.
A one-on-one date is simply a set time agreed upon by two people of the opposite sex to engage in an activity such as dinner, hiking or a sport. Baptism is a prerequisite, as the dating process requires God’s guidance. It is important to date widely to experience as many different personality types as possible and to avoid spending too much time with one person. One guideline is to wait one to three months before asking the same person out.
After dating widely and spending several dates with a particular person, you may both become more seriously interested in each other. As this occurs, be sure to counsel with the ministry. Note that there is no official point when you begin courting. It is a gradual process. While courting, however, you are exclusively dating one person. This does not mean you have decided to get married. Rather, it is a time to seriously explore what has already become a mutual interest.
After serious consideration, counseling and guidance from God, you may decide that you want to marry the person you have been courting. This begins engagement, which is ideally a period of three to four months. Engagement is a time of preparing for the wedding and a final period to seriously court before “tying the knot.” Since an engaged couple is not yet married, they must be cautious with physical intimacy.
The origin of the word “date” can help you set the correct mindset. It comes from the Latin word data.
“The word data comes from the Latin word dare, ‘to give,’” Merriam-Webster states. “In later Latin, the word data came to be used alone to stand for the date, and it came into English as date.”
Think of it this way: To date is to give. Dating is simply an opportunity to give of yourself to others. The world’s view of dating is all about the opposite: get from others for yourself.
What a big difference! Just focusing on giving will make the time you spend with others much more rewarding. As Jesus Christ said in Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
Dating and Courtship – God’s Way describes how focusing on giving ultimately benefits those dating: “In the end, dating is a tremendous opportunity to change—to improve!—your personality! It is also, at least in part, a character-building activity. And these two aspects of every person are interwoven—your character is invariably reflected in some aspects of your personality, and vice-versa.”
Working to help others have an enjoyable time and focusing on their wellbeing will help you develop “your personality, build character, learn from others, grow in the social graces, enjoy fun, experience widely” and “learn to communicate,” the book continued. “As the teenage years pass, dating provides a wonderful opportunity to learn a world of information about the opposite sex.”
But be careful of falling into romance too early, for the reasons established earlier in the article. During your teen years, you are still developing your personality, likes and dislikes, learning to properly control your emotions and discovering what you want to do with your future education and career. It is better to allow time to mature and grow closer to the age suitable for marriage before dating one-on-one.
Knowing this, how can and should teenagers in God’s Church associate with the opposite sex?
While one-on-one dates are off the table for teens, group dating is fine. In fact, it is encouraged! In the book, Mr. Pack also describes this as an activity in which “a small number—perhaps six to eight, or so—make an appointment to enjoy a wholesome activity together. Responsible adults or parents should stay close.”
He adds that this specifically refers to “a group of people of both sexes participating in an activity together.”
The boundaries are also made clear: “Under no circumstances should this slip into ‘pairing off’ within the activity. Parents must be particularly watchful of less responsible teenagers, because these will be the very ones who think they are the most responsible—those who think they can ‘handle’ a relationship probably long before they are in fact ready.”
Even when striving to follow God’s principles, there are a few common mistakes that are easy to make. One of these is regularly “hanging out” with someone of the opposite sex. In the world, a male and female will often meet each other in a group setting, and after finding common interests or being attracted to one another, they start spending time together one-on-one. Initially, it can be a seemingly normal friendship, but it often leads to a very close relationship. When the male or female is asked about the relationship, the response is “We’re just friends” or “We just hang out sometimes.”
There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone of the opposite sex. But understand that this can easily lead to a wrong form of semi-courting.
Note that lengthy private online or phone interactions with someone of interest are essentially exclusive dates and should be avoided.
Participating in group dates is the best way to prepare for successful one-on-one dating later.
It is not always up to the Church or your parents to organize group dates. As a teen in the Church, you are perfectly capable and highly encouraged to come up with ideas.
No matter what you do, never forget that a date is just an appointment for a small group of young people of opposite sex to enjoy a wholesome activity together.
A previous AY article, “Keys to Organizing a Group Date!” offers tips on how to do this. Some helpful takeaways from it:
Believe it or not, planning group activities this way will help you develop the proper mindset and a willingness to exercise initiative needed as you progress to one-on-one dating. The more you learn about and practice proper principles of dating now, the more effective you will be in adulthood.
Now is the time to read Dating and Courtship from cover to cover. Talk to your parents about it. It is crucial reading if you plan to follow the painless, beneficial, godly path to “I do.”
