Lucy is a teenager in God’s Church. She understands, to a certain degree, that she is unable to have close friendships with her associates in the world. “We just don’t have much in common,” she says. “I have friends in school, but there is no real depth to our relationships.”

When troubles come, these types of friendships never last, and Lucy has experienced this firsthand many times. Periodically, certain circumstances have forced her to make choices based on her beliefs, causing her to stand out among her peers. Afterward, the friendships do not mean as much to her so-called “friends” anymore. In other instances, her friendships simply grew apart as time passed.

 

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As with Lucy, you have probably encountered your share of struggles with building relationships. While striving to live God’s Way in a world completely cut off from its Creator, it can be extremely difficult to build true, genuine friendships.

Each of us was created with the desire and need for companionship. People without friends usually struggle with loneliness, sadness and isolation.

God certainly wants us to lead abundant, happy lives, which involve edifying and uplifting relationships with other people. Notice: “I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers” (III John 2). In addition, we should be able to say and feel what King David believed in his life: “This is the day which the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it” (Psa. 118:24). Friendships play a critical role in the ability to rejoice and be prosperous.

Types of Friends

One particular question that arose in Lucy’s mind, which applies to most teenagers, is, “How important is the type of friendships I build?” The answer is emphatic—extremely important! Friends can either be great builders in the development of your personality or they can be the opposite.

You have heard the old adage, “One rotten apple rots the whole barrel.” Like a rotten apple in a bushel that slowly rots all the apples around it, those who associate with others who do not live by correct laws, principles and values will themselves eventually adopt many of the same opinions, attitudes and behaviors.

The Bible clearly instructs about the importance of choosing friends wisely. The apostle Paul wrote, “Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners” (I Cor. 15:33). And King Solomon said, “Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man you shall not go” (Prov. 22:24).

It is important to understand that you are filled with a nature—a carnal nature that will have certain tendencies. “What kind of tendencies?” you may ask.

Notice: “The carnal mind is enmity [hostile] against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be” (Rom. 8:7). Your mind is naturally hostile toward God.

What does this have to do with rotten apples? With this analogy in mind, combined with a simple understanding of human nature, you must understand the dangers of building friendships with those outside your belief and value system.

Choosing friends wisely is of the utmost importance in your life. If you allow yourself to compromise and spend time with the wrong crowd, you will slowly take on their values and principles. It is critical to spend time, and build friendships, with those who share your beliefs (Prov. 27:17; Amos 3:3).

God’s Word exhorts us to avoid friendships with those in the world. Notice just how plain His instruction is: “…know you not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God” (Jms. 4:4). Also consider another passage: “And be not conformed to this world: but be you transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God” (Rom. 12:2).

Any friendship must reflect the instruction of your Creator. Strive to limit your closest friends to those within God’s Church—not those of the world, who have different priorities and are cut off from God.

Right Foundation

There is an important foundation to consider when building close friendships. It encompasses and is applicable to all relationships.

The Bible teaches that there are two different—and opposing—ways of life. One is best described as the “give” way—the other is the way of “get.”

The give way is outgoing concern for the needs and welfare of others. It is focused away from self! It is opposite from the get way, which is self-focused, with only one’s own interests and needs at heart.

The Bible teaches that God has a “divine nature” (II Pet. 1:4). This nature is “natural” to God, but it is not natural to human beings. God practices the give way of life (Jms. 1:17), while human beings naturally practice the opposite. Human nature is almost always preoccupied with gratifying, advancing, satisfying and elevating the self! Can you observe that in the superficial friendships you see out in the world?

Your perspective must be God’s perspective. Friendships must always be based on giving—outflowing, selfless concern for others! Notice Christ’s words regarding one of the two greatest commandments: “And the second is like, namely this, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is none other commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:31).

An interesting point is that even in the world, books dealing with human relations almost always explain this same principle in one form or another. For example, in Dale Carnegie’s best-selling book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, he states that the most important thing readers can extract from his book is that they should strive to always think in terms of the other person’s point of view.

This “Golden Rule” and great law of God—loving your neighbor as yourself—is the key to true and lasting friendships! Always analyze yourself to see if you are approaching your friendships in this way.

Building Friendships

To obtain and build lasting friendships, many principles must be applied. One is found in Proverbs 18: “A man that has friends must show himself friendly…” (vs. 24). Make it a primary goal in your life to be friendly to all. This may be harder for some than others, but strive to develop the ability to be kind, warm and compassionate to those you see and meet.

Take time to analyze your relationships—especially those with acquaintances and friends. Ask yourself how you could be friendlier, and determine to make those changes the next time you face those same circumstances.

Do not be mistaken. Being “friendly” is not acting like those who constantly talk and make people laugh (usually at the expense of someone else) and who are considered “cool.” You have likely encountered such people. Rather, friendliness is taking a genuine, sincere interest in others. Of course, the ability to speak well and have a sense of humor are good qualities to develop, but do not aspire to be a loud-mouthed, “cool” person who only seems to be friendly. Instead, look to those within the Church who have truly friendly personalities.

Most tend to have a hard time listening to others. Be willing to sincerely listen to your friends and to concern yourself with their needs and thoughts. And, do not only listen, but also ask questions about what they are expressing to you—be genuinely interested! Listening will not only make your friends feel better, but it will also give you a good reputation among those who are not your friends—that you are a friendly, concerned person (Prov. 15:1).

Always give your undivided attention, and learn the interests, goals and aspirations of your friends and acquaintances. This may seem like a hard or unnatural thing to practice, but start by making a habit of asking questions.

As you continue to engage them, they will become more familiar with you. You will soon have a good understanding of their interests and goals, including what makes them tick.

Another key to close friendships is trust. Strive to be a loyal friend who keeps things confidential, and seek those who are trustworthy as well. An easy method of determining someone’s trustworthiness is how he handles other friends’ secrets. If a “friend” tells you something that he was told in confidence, how much of a friend is he to the person whose trust he just violated? Consider this when deciding with whom to associate yourself, and always be careful that you do not gossip (Prov. 11:13; 17:9).

(There are, however, special circumstances in which it would do more harm than good to keep certain sensitive information to yourself, such as if someone tells you he is contemplating suicide.)

On a related note, be sure not to flatter your friends—meaning that you do not constantly offer insincere praise. In the long run, this does not work, and it is dishonest. Your friend will recognize your flattery for what it is and will begin to doubt your sincerity.

Friends in the 21st Century

Perhaps the biggest question and concern among teenagers in the Church is: “How can I avoid friendships in the world and build friendships within The Restored Church of God when other teenagers live so far away?” This may seem insurmountable, but technology exists that can make it possible.

As the end of the age draws near, society continues to grow darker. Weathering the pulls, trials and tests of each day becomes harder. The ability to make strong friendships, bound by similar values, is also becoming increasingly difficult.

What you face today has been called a “perfect storm.” This storm can be defined as you in the middle of hurricane-force winds, striving, fighting and struggling to go head-on against the current—the ways of this world.

You must face this world and those in it whose lives, conduct, principles and values continue to move in the opposite direction from yours—and God’s. Therefore, it has become more necessary than ever before to build friendships with those who share and deal with the same difficulties you face.

In the 21st century, most teenagers can use email to keep in touch. While this can sometimes be tough to keep up for long periods of time, make diligent effort to do so.

Within these emails, attempt to take a big picture approach. Do not simply talk about day-to-day occurrences. Instead, go above and beyond. Discuss problems you face, lessons you learned, and what you are planning to do with your life.

Two of the most vital elements you must include to build a successful relationship are time and commitment. Try to give enough of both to each new person you meet within the Church. Be wholeheartedly involved in the activities that are available. And, most important, remember the all-encompassing way to live—the give way of life.

You can build friendships around the world!