article from DECEMBER 2009-FEBRUARY 2010
How to Apologize—and Mean It!
Telling someone you were wrong is one of the hardest things to do. What is the best way to say, “I’m sorry”?
By Larry J. McElroy
Have you ever been late for work—missed an important meeting—didn’t follow through on a promise—misspoke about another person—or argued you were correct about a matter, but were later proven wrong?
Have you told lies about others or shown disrespect to your parents or other authority figures?
In each instance, you should apologize to the offended party.
Our calloused, competitive world hardens us to not apologize when we misstep or offend others. This mindset endorses running over or crushing others to get ahead. Many have grown up believing that admitting to a mistake—apologizing—is a sign of weakness.
The opposite is true! To apologize is a sign of strength and a means of restoring damaged relationships.
But how do you apologize?
Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary defines “apology” as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” It should be noted that an apology is not an excuse for offending, but is an admission of a mistake—plain and simple.
A statement of regret asking forgiveness should be part of an apology. You should say, “I’m sorry” for the mistake.
Here are some key elements to apologizing correctly:
• Be Specific: An apology should refer to a specific incident that occurred between individuals. Your apology should never be an insincere, “catch all” verbal or written statement. Such generality does not show that you are truly concerned—and will be “shrugged-off” by the other party. The offended individual may not consider you sincere and thoughtful enough to recognize the extent of the insult.
King David was specific in recognizing his sin against God: “For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight” (Psa. 51:3-4).
• Time Frame for an Apology: Be sure to apologize as soon as you realize a mistake. To delay shows an uncaring attitude.
“Maybe they won’t remember my curt remark,” you might think. Yet just hoping that negative emotions and attitudes will dissipate is to neglect your obligation to apologize. This sends a message to the other person that the relationship isn’t that important to you. Without a prompt apology, walls between you and the offended person grow taller and denser.
Proverbs 18:19 states, “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.”
Quickly recognizing an offense and apologizing will enable wounds to heal more quickly.
• Personal Approach: An apology should be handled privately, if possible. Your apology will mean more if done one-on-one rather than in a public setting. This allows the offended person to respond with an answer of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Writing a note is another personal approach. Be sure it is handwritten rather than typed as this confers closeness, intimacy and concern about your relationship.
If the person offended is some distance away, a telephone call is an alternative.
• Attitude of Humility: We can all inadvertently offend in some way and inevitably will at some time. But a cocky, “I can do nothing wrong” attitude will never win friends and influence people. Instead, a willingness to admit mistakes and modify conduct shows humility, true strength and growth in a person.
Humility on your part allows the other person to see your sincerity and high regard for them as a worthwhile friend. Proverbs 22:4 states, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, and honor, and life.”
Your Responsibility
Apologizing for mistakes is one of the most difficult tasks we face. It goes against human nature to admit we have done wrong.
However, every ambassador youth should recognize his responsibility to apologize when he has offended another. In offering an apology, we must be specific regarding the occurrence and not offer an excuse to exempt ourselves from responsibility. An apology should be made in the shortest time frame possible to nullify any hurtful consequences.
Take a personal approach by visiting the individual privately or by using a personal note to convey your regret. Words of humility, such as, “I admit I offended you this way” can restore relationships and build stronger friendships.
Offering an appropriate apology when you offend others will make you a more effective ambassador for God’s Way.